But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again.
I'm not sure if I want to try to be better with my body again. I feel a lot of pain these days, not all which derive from my lack of a proper diet. I'm unhappy and I'm pretty sure fixing whatever health and physical flaws I have will not fix that. I'm working on those things that will alleviate my unease in my current situation.
What I do think about is that one of my closest sisters is getting married in seven months and wants me to be there for her. I'm tired of seeing her in such a out of shape form. She works out so much (too much if you ask me) and works so hard to keep her body as her ideal. I grant, her ideal is relatively unhealthy. She is very skinny and even for her stature, she has very little fat reserves to rely on during the very cold winters that she lives in. I have done my time in winter here and I'm leaving that behind this summer.
I think I want to look good for her wedding but also for my own which will be someday soon in the future. I can't stand the way I look in dresses right now. But I don't think I'm willing to ascribe to a diet or strict exercise plan. I have tried in the past as evidenced by my past posts here which I didn't want to keep up to remind me how many times I've tried and failed. I'm not image obsessed like my sister is, so I can't use that as motivation. It sounds like an excuse to me that I don't have a good motivation. I don't want to obsess about my weight and my clothing size. That is what happens every time that I have tried to alter my diet and exercise levels. I obsess and then getting exhausted and/or depressed that I don't make enough progress or I can't tell that anything has changed. That signals the end of my diet time and I resort back to eating and exercising as I choose. That usually means whatever and never respectively. Exercise brings more pain than pleasure and occasional boredom.
That's not to say that I always go back to square one. I have picked up some good habits along the way. I'm drinking way more water than I used to and my body has adjusted to that. It tells me when it's upset that I'm not getting enough water now or I'm able to hear it these days. I can't really say which is the cause but I do notice now when I need more. Maybe I've just learned to pay more attention. Unfortunately I can't seem to find that kind of nagging need where exercise is concerned.
Work has brought me stronger arm muscles and my back is stronger. They would be more visible if I got some of the fat to go away. Stress made it possible for me to shrink my stomach, surprising as that is. But I know stress is also killing me slowly. Much of my pain is from stress. I'm working on trying to reduce that. They say that exercise can reduce that but I have yet to see that really work for me. I don't know if it's because I'm not trying hard enough or pushing my intensity high enough to burn off the extra cortisol. I'm hoping that changing my work will reduce a lot of the stress. I know getting away from my mother-in-law will certainly help. She is the source of a lot of the stress because I can't always predict what she wants and the job puts a lot of strain on our relationship. Granted, I find her way too involved in my life anyways but I know not working for her and being states away will keep her involvement to a minimum.
I suppose I get this way every time that I see some image on Pinterest or my sister's Facebook posts that show her body. I've often dreamed of being tiny, petite and like a waif. The female celebrities I always like to see are Anne Hathaway, Keira Knightley, Natalie Portman, and Emma Watson. None of these women look anything like me. I'm tall, broad shouldered, light golden brown hair, gray-green eyed, and with a far more mesomorph build. I read that my color combination is far more prevalent in Hollywood because it's rarer, green eyes being rarest in humans so more desirable. I find this funny because I often feel like I'm such a rare bird in many ways. Just not a very healthy or perfect bird.
